The Best of Adrienne Sioux Koopersmith
September 16 2000

This Week's Attempt At Humor

These are actual want ads:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
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FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
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FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD
* PART STUPID DOG
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GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
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FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
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1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB-
$850/offer
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AMANA WASHER $100.
OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
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SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
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2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
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COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
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NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBIE
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SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
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HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
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GET A LITTLE JOHN:
THE TRAVELING URINAL THAT HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
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HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
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GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
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NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
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FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
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AMERICAN FLAG
60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED
$100
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TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
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EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS
* $175.
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OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
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LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
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ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
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GAS CLOUD CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
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OPEN HOUSE
BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
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FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend.
Wife says she knows everything.
______________________________________________
A! Little did you know!!!
Diary of a Cat
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to
eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional
piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at
the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan...

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included
a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent
such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck
between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of
"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got
to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something
akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room
his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time. ____________________________________________

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the
donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people
who thought it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.
The man and boy decided maybe the critics were right, so they changed
positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought it was a shame for
the old man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided they both would
walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought it was stupid to walk when
they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics
were right, so they both rode on the donkey. They soon passed other people
who thought it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. T
he old man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right, so they
carried the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the
animal, and he fell into the river and drowned. T
he moral of the story... If you try to please everyone, you will eventually
lose your ass.
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Enough chatter for this week, lets
go and read some funny cartoons
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/4675/Companion.html
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I would be honored if you'd visit the Dr.Draw Companion
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/4675/Companion.html
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Heeeeey check this out. Ralf Ryder has his own Homepage
http://www.angelfire.com/ca/ralfryder/index.html
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"Question the rules"